You might be
thinking your spouse doesn’t like being questioned. The
truth is, not very many of us do. Each individual has
their own communication style, including the way they
listen, respond and process information. The majority
of us have trouble processing information that arrives
via nagging, negative energy or even too many
One of the negative ideas I usually coach couples on
avoiding, is nagging. Putting pressure on your spouse
to communicate with you more, share what they are
feeling, or even the handling of the household
responsibilities, could be overwhelming to both of you.
Although we desire for the things in our marriage to be
exactly as we planned, it won’t always work out exactly
that way. Occasionally, when we bring certain tasks to
our spouse, we may not receive our desired result.
It’s usually in the delivery and type of wording being
used. The ask is often in the negative. “Why can’t you
clean up after yourself”?” “Why won’t you communicate
with me?” “Why didn’t you share that with me?” Of
course we’re asking these questions, as negative as
they may be, to gain a better understanding of our
spouse. But when an idea is presented to most people
in this mode of delivery, they automatically become
defensive and fight back. The answer will usually
include “because you always…” At that point, the
conversation takes a turn for the worse and the couple
is off track.
In order to stay on track, more often, we should
continue to question our spouse. However, there is a
certain way and specific questions we should be asking
our spouse, pretty often. Here are a few:
Are you happy?
What do you need?
What is needed to make this the best marriage
How can I show I love you even more?
What do you love about our marriage?
What areas need some improvement in our marriage?
How can I be a better spouse/partner to you?
What would you like more of in our marriage?
How can I support you better?
How can I relieve any of the stress or pressure you may
Most couples don’t consider the strategy that’s needed
to have effective communication. We learn something
new when we listen and share. As we communicate
with our spouse, we should be listening to gain insight.
Every discussion provides an opportunity not only to
connect, but to also really get to know the person we
married. Asking the right questions, more often will
eliminate most of the negative that surfaces in our