Welcome to the first Christmas at the Trump White House! We’re trying something exciting and new with our decorations this year: terror!
Just kidding! It’s up-lighting. And terror!
We are delighted to unveil this year’s design scheme. It’s the result of months of planning and a lot of input; to use a phrase we’re not allowed to say anymore, it took a village.
What a beautiful team effort! Decorating is a snap when you get the Orcs involved!
The decorations call to mind last winter’s Inauguration, particularly the speech, which President George W. Bush glowingly reviewed as “some weird shit.” This year, the White House is bringing “some weird shit” to your family!
Fun fact: those shadow people used to be alive!
This year, guests of the White House can have the perfect holiday experience of racing, screaming, through the halls of power before paying to leave. Nothing says Christmas like echoing cries of terror!
Before you go, don’t forget to kiss Teddy Roosevelt full on the lips.
People say to us, “Eye of Sauron, how did you come up with such a festive theme?” Well, we’ll let you in on a secret: it’s actually many themes. We had so many good ideas, we couldn’t pick. Isn’t that a (blood-curdling) scream?!
Here’s a few of the inspirations we hope this display will call to mind as you race toward the exit:
The Crate & Barrel in the North Westeros mall.
Back to the Future II set in Halloweentown.
Helena Bonham Carter’s birthday party.
The GIF where Snow White runs through the forest and the trees attack her.
The end of The Shining, but patriotic.
Ebeneezer Scrooge as a Lars von Trier character.
Someone saying “Seriously, I’m having a great time,” through gritted teeth.
The National Parks in 10 years, probably.
How your heart feels when you read Twitter.
How your heart feels all the time, actually.
Emperor Palpatine’s romper room.
Stoically watching human art and then immediately walking away.
Not looking left, not looking right. Just walking. Forever.
A Lifetime movie about a woman trapped in the Phantom Zone.
A Lifetime movie about a woman trapped in the White House.
That nightmare you had after eating yogurt you made yourself.
The most literal thing you’ve ever seen.
Elsa from Frozen wants to speak to the manager at the Genius Bar.
Being struck by lightning. Festively!
Charlotte Rampling plays every Tilda Swinton character. At once.
Unclear, but whatever it is, Nico Muhly is definitely going to write an opera about it.
Literally the harshest up-lighting we could find anywhere. Even Powder was like, “This is too much.”
A ghost wedding. With a cash bar.
Happy Holidays! Or else!
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.